Pluto is a big deal now that the human race has recorded its first up-close nudes. Pluto is not pleased about this and will curse the day all Aries were born.
Aries: Our certified astrologist says that this means chunks of your hair are going to fall out due to a bad hair treatment from that hair spa you went to last week. Your Groupon is still non-refundable for this by the way.
Also, if you’re a Pisces, you are not going to make your rent this month.
The ass gas of space is acting up again and someone needs to troubleshoot that shit. This will directly correlate with your poor decision to run down two flights of stairs to catch a train you are definitely going to miss. You will roll your ankle and then fall down the second set of stairs. People will literally think you’re dead and expel an alarming gasp. You will survive this fall, but have to live with the fact that large amount of people saw a bunch of stairs beat the shit out of you.
Pisces: Your mother will call you and judge you about your love life. Later on, you will contemplate buying a better vibrator.
Scorpio: You ate a lot of free cheese at the local market. Don’t get me wrong, eating cheese is never a bad thing, but you will have some gnarly gas because of your actions. You have a date later in the evening at a grungey dive bar where you think the smell of your ass is masked by all the other smelly smells. Unfortunately, your date and everyone in your vicinity doesn’t need to be a detective to know those putrid smells are coming from you and your butt.
But, damn it was good cheese.
Jupiter is feeling mildly depressed with a dash of confusion, so, you’re going to feel like a hot, sack of shit at the gym today. You’ll be huffing and puffing barely making it through your regular half-ass work out. Later on you will face a conflict unlike any other. You desperately want a cookie, but if you exert the energy to go to a corner store and buy a cookie, you fear you will no longer have the appetite for said cookie. You shed a tear for your troubles.
P.S. All of your family members are doing significantly well in life compared to you!
Capricorns: You will purchase something questionable from a falafel truck because it’s the easiest food you can consume before work. You will drop it on the ground because knowing how to hold things is just not one of your strong suits.
Cancers: You will be in a fantastic mood all day! Nothing can bring you down except remembering your credit score is absolutely awful. You will never own grown-up things. Not that you really want those kind of things at this point in your life, but you’re pretty bummed.
Stellar rectum juices are getting frothy around Uranus which means a subway rat will run across your feet while you’re waiting for the train. Later on you will treat yourself to an ice cream sandwich, but it’s been so long since you’ve have one that you’ll forget you can’t just gobble down cold food and you’ll get a brain freeze. Also, you will fart really loud running to catch the L train at the Bedford stop and fucking everyone will hear it and know it was you.
Virgos: You moved into a beautiful new apartment and have not found any flaws yet. No bed bugs, great price, and the perfect location. Today you will learn that three of your neighbors are sex offenders. Welcome to the neighborhood!
Libras: You will get a ticket for jaywalking which is ridiculous because that is how all New Yorkers took their first steps as babies.
Venus is feeling depressed this eve of intergalactic planetary fest, not that planets know jack shit about joy because they’re giant balls of a bunch of different things I won’t name because Google it yourself. Venus’ gloom will cause you to read the ending of Marley & Me on the train which, obviously, will make you burst into tears and cause a scene. I mean, you can’t not cry at the ending of Marley & Me. Spolier: Marley dies and you’re a heartless asshole if you don’t cry when a dog dies. So, you will sob your blubbering face off for eleven stops.
Tauruses: You will take a shit at work unaware that there won’t be any toilet paper in the restroom or the entire building. There won’t be any shit-wiping material for miles because your ass was born between April and May 20th.
Capricorns: You will spill your coffee on your lap on the train to work. You won’t cry about it or anything because you’re a fucking adult, but your legs will be sticky all day, so that kind of sucks.
Neptune is feeling sophisticated, but slightly irresponsible during this seasonal vortex of doom and will cause you to overdraft your bank account because you accidentally spent $500 this weekend. How the fuck did you spend $500 in one weekend? Well, you did drink and eat the majority of New York City and now it feels like someone took a giant shit on your chest. Not that you actually know what that feels like, or maybe you do, but I’m being descriptive which my educated self learned in 6th grade English class.